


Agápe

by niigoki



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 11:02:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14692857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niigoki/pseuds/niigoki
Summary: Chaeyoung tries to understand the difference between love and admiration. Perhaps the two are more similar than she thought.





	Agápe

**Author's Note:**

> Patron reward for Alex Haylee! Thank you always for your support!

Chaeyoung had her fair share of deep, philosophical thoughts once in a while. They used to occur whenever something big happened, something so grand that would leave her breathless and awake for days. It didn’t necessarily need to affect the outside world all that much, but as long as it shook Chaeyoung to the core, she could get lost in her own head for days.

Or years, as life was proving to her.

When she first walked into the building after taking the picture with her trainee certificate, Chaeyoung had no idea what to expect. It was like the future was so far away, and she had years to develop into someone able to meet expectations. She was young and shorter than she is now, chasing a dream that she had no idea if she would be able to fulfill, but dammit, she would try. In an industry where thousands tried to stand out every year, Chaeyoung had only her passion and mild talent to compensate for her lack of experience.

Curiously enough, her thoughts didn’t start from there.

Neither when she saw _her_.

A trainee, like Chaeyoung herself, but a lot more mature and older. The girl talked to some other girls while sitting and waiting for class to start, and when Chaeyoung walked in, they all turned to her.

Admittedly, Chaeyoung didn’t pay much attention to her at the beginning. She bowed, introducing herself as the new trainee, and the girl welcomed her with a grin. It was goofy, and she turned back to her friends, and then the teacher walked in, silencing the room. The first lesson started.

It was hard to get used to the fast-paced choreographies; Chaeyoung thought that trainees were cut some slack, but not here. They wanted the best of the best, and she knew that when she decided to audition for that specific company, so Chaeyoung had to get a grip.

“Okay, stop,” The teacher said, and all the girls froze. He pointed with his head, arms crossed. “You there. You’re the new trainee, right?”

“Y-yes, sir.” Chaeyoung tried to answer over intakes of air. Her body was burning, tired.

“I see…” He studied her for a moment, then his eyes fell on someone behind her. “Jeongyeon-ah, help her out.”

“Yes!” The girl answered with conviction and Chaeyoung turned around to see who he was referring to.

Oh. So her name was Jeongyeon.

The lesson continued, and with Jeongyeon’s pointed advice, Chaeyoung managed to follow the others better. Once class was over, she thanked the teacher, then bowed profoundly to Jeongyeon as well.

“No need for that, lift your head, come on.” Jeongyeon laughed a little, patting Chaeyoung’s hair. “Say, we’ll go out to eat, wanna come?”

Friendship. Maybe that was what prompted it, at first.

Months went by, and Jeongyeon kept tutoring her, while still learning at the same time. She was fierce, powerful, incredibly focused on everything she was taught, and Chaeyoung found herself looking for Jeongyeon every time. She wanted to keep up with her.

And eventually, she wanted to be noticed – not by the teachers, but by Jeongyeon.

And _that’s_ when her thoughts started.

“Hey…” Chaeyoung spoke up one day after practice, to the only other girl in the room, her friend Dahyun. “How do you know the difference between love and admiration?”

The question was met with silence, then with a chuckle and a teasing remark. Chaeyoung didn’t mind – she wasn’t expecting an answer.

Years went by. She got into a survival program for the next big girl group.

The show wrecked all of her friends, both physically and emotionally, and she found herself crying in the dead of night much too often for her taste. She talked to the girls, about the dreams and expectations they had for the future when they accepted to be part of this show, and venting helped.

What didn’t help was the way her body reacted every time Jeongyeon was in the room; focused, beautiful, and still giving off an aura of confidence that never faltered. It was nostalgic, even, to see the older girl taking each and every challenge so seriously. It made Chaeyoung reminisce of days old.

Whenever Jeongyeon failed, it was like Chaeyoung failed too.

She wanted to impress her, but how could she, when Jeongyeon displayed her weak side so suddenly and openly for everyone to see? All she could do right now was to breathe in and do her best, and hope that Jeongyeon pulled herself together enough for them to end up reaching the same goal.

This was Chaeyoung’s only chance to make Jeongyeon notice her.

And she did.

She got in.

She wasn’t happy when the announcement was made, with applause and confetti and music. It was an empty feeling, really, something that took her breath away in a way that few things did. The first information she was able to compute was that she was going to debut, finally.

With Jeongyeon.

A strange sense of longing poked at Chaeyoung’s heart and she wasn’t sure what she was going to do about it. Or if there was something she could do at all.

Her new routine started – sharing a dorm with eight other girls who were noisy and unfamiliar. Sure, they used to train together and go out to have lunch, but living with these people was an entirely different experience. Chaeyoung lied awake in bed many nights, thinking that she would never get used to this.

Jeongyeon was in a room next door. She wondered what the girl was doing.

Chaeyoung got used to it quicker than she expected. By finally learning each of the girls’ quirks and behaviors, she could answer some of her own questions – just a few inquiries that kept bugging her.

The difference between love and admiration. Chaeyoung made a simple list in her head.

She loved her members, no doubt about it. But when she looked at them individually, there were lines that she expected to be crossed that weren’t, really. Admiration was the word she would place on top of everyone’s heads, and keep safe in her heart, because she admired these girls more than anything.

Except one.

She couldn’t make out her feelings for Jeongyeon, yet.

It was admiration, yes, but not just _that_. Chaeyoung was struggling with it in ways that made her spit out compliments about the girl in streams and interviews.

“Jeongyeon unnie takes care of us, and I always thought she was pretty.”

It came out naturally. Chaeyoung was going crazy.

Maybe in a few more years she would be able to understand it better. She just had to endure it until then.

 

\--

 

 

Time passes, she grows as a person, and so do her feelings.

Chaeyoung thinks it’s ironic that the title of their newest song is—

“What is love?”

“Cheesy, right?” Jeongyeon laughs with her as they read the lyrics and try to grasp the general feeling of this song. Only the two of them are in the room, with the other girls out buying food, and watching Jeongyeon sitting so close to her that their knees touch over their pajamas makes Chaeyoung shiver.

She feels the tug in her heart again. Now she knows where that pull is coming from.

Or rather, _who_ the pull is coming from.

“I wanna know, know, know, know… what is love?” Jeongyeon mutters to herself, reading the sheet of paper on the barely illuminated floor.

It hits Chaeyoung with the strength of a wave.

Love for her was a name.

Two syllables.

“Jeongyeon unnie.”

The older girl whips her head around, her hair whirling in a cascade of bright blue. Chaeyoung can’t help but think about how much it suits her, and how pink suited her, and how she’d look good in anything, really.

“Hm?”

Chaeyoung is always very distracted when it comes to Jeongyeon. Right now is no exception.

She manages to open her mouth, at least. “What is love to you?”

That magnetic pull in her heart compels her to ask, despite the risk.

And honestly, Chaeyoung expects Jeongyeon to say something silly, like ‘vacations’, or ‘ice cream on a really hot day’, because that’s just _who she_ _is_ – the type of person who will counter a deep, concerning question with a goofy, easy-to-digest answer, and most likely pull you aside later for a conversation because she wants to know if you’re okay.

Instead, Jeongyeon gives her a sincere reply.

“Comfortable silences, I think. When you can look at someone and smile, despite your hardships. Doing things together... sharing interests and being there for them regardless of such interests,” She smiles softly. “When you can teach each other various things because you’re never tired of learning about that person.”

Chaeyoung’s heart swells and spills over with affection.

‘I could do that for you’, she thinks.

Perhaps she accidentally said that out loud.

When she realizes that Jeongyeon is looking at her without blinking, she freezes, like a deer in the headlights.

“Oh.” Jeongyeon slowly understands what exactly that meant.

Chaeyoung’s brain starts making plans immediately; she thinks she’ll have to leave the group and flee to California and change her name and—

Her rapid thoughts are interrupted when she feels a warm hand on top of her own.

“Chaeyoung.”

Oh, she loves the way her own name sounds coming from Jeongyeon’s mouth.

“I—”

Their moment is interrupted by Sana’s bubbly voice as the girls arrive with food. Jeongyeon removes her hand fast, and it admittedly makes Chaeyoung’s heart ache. They pretend nothing is wrong when the girls sit with them to eat, and don’t talk about it again.

Chaeyoung thinks that it’s fine, she could face this another time.

Except that the time never comes.

They are always, _always_ interrupted by someone; there are schedules to be fulfilled, things to do, and not enough time to spend doing anything else. It’s moments like this that Chaeyoung resents some of her life choices. She quickly gets over it though, not allowing depressing thoughts to cloud her mind for long.

When they stop exchanging gazes, Chaeyoung thinks that they’ll never be the same again. She ruined it with her big mouth, ruined the only chance of figuring out the real difference between love and admiration. She was so close.

Chaeyoung gives up.

 

\--

 

Until the day Jeongyeon enters her room at night suddenly, a paper and some pens in hand, wearing pajamas and beautifully casual. Chaeyoung’s heart goes up her throat, and she sits up, waiting for the older girl to speak, cheeks flushed.

And all that comes from Jeongyeon’s mouth is, "Teach me how to draw?"

After a pause, Chaeyoung blinks, rubs her eyes, and nods. “Of course.”

They sit side by side at Chaeyoung’s desk, the paper too small for them, which makes them squeeze together. The best thing about all of this is how normal it feels, despite the awkward, distant moments from before.

Chaeyoung draws first, the sound of pen sliding on the paper the only thing breaking the quietness, and that’s when Chaeyoung remembers.

_Comfortable silences._

She stops for a second and looks at Jeongyeon, and she’s close, and smiling.

_When you can look at someone and smile, despite your hardships._

Jeongyeon grabs a pen and tries to copy Chaeyoung’s movements.

_Doing things together... sharing interests and being there for them regardless of such interests._

She’s bad at it. She can’t even draw a straight line.

_When you can teach each other various things because you’re never tired of learning about that person._

But that was okay, because Chaeyoung could teach her.

Just like Jeongyeon just taught her about love and admiration.

 

\--

 

 

“By the way,” Chaeyoung speaks, without removing her eyes from the paper. “I have a crush on you. Just to make sure you know, because you’re slow on the uptake.”

Jeongyeon only laughs and pulls her for a side-hug, pressing a quick kiss to her hair. “Keep drawing.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on my social media:  
> Twitter: @niigoki_  
> Tumblr: niigoki  
> CuriousCat: curiouscat.me/niigoki


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